df442f77b4ecf2d57ce43d11cd25ff7eIf there is one thing I wish I knew when I was younger it is is that a woman’s tears are a gift. I used to be afraid of a woman’s tears. It didn’t matter if it was a friend, family member or girlfriend.

As a boy, until I was about 27 years old, my reaction to a woman’s tears was to try to do anything to make them stop: comfort her, reason with her, hand her a tissue, whatever I felt would calm her down as quickly as possible.

Her tears,

the visible manifestation of her emotions,

made me incredibly uncomfortable

to the point of scaring the hell out of me.

I tended to take everything personally, relating everything to myself. If she’s crying then I must in some way be responsible right?  A woman’s tears scared the shit out of me.

Her tears highlighted the difference between me and her, as man and woman. As they tumbled down her cheeks these trails of emotion showed me the mysterious nature of women.

Her tears triggered the darker, deeper aspects of myself: my fears, sufferings, sadness and anger.

Now I have a different perspective.  

A woman’s tears are a gift. They are an opportunity to hold space for her. It means that she trusts you enough to be vulnerable with you, to show you the deeper aspects of herself.  

One day, about 5 years ago, I was practicing mauna or spiritual silence.  My girlfriend showed up at my house in tears, and threw herself into my arms.  My normal reaction would have be ask, “what is wrong?”  

But I couldn’t talk…

So for a few moments I just held her, while I tried to figure out what was wrong.  Initially wondering if it was something I did. Men know that often we hurt women by things that we are not even aware of.  I scanned back through my memories of our interactions to see if there was something that I missed.

I couldn’t find anything. I realized that most likely, if her tears were caused by me, she wouldn’t be coming to me for solace. I started mentally trying to figure out what was wrong. From what I knew of her day … what could have happened?  After containing down this line of thinking for a few moments I realized that it didn’t matter.  

Even if I knew what was wrong for her there was nothing I could do to change it.  And even if I knew what was wrong, I couldn’t talk because I was in spiritual silence.  I couldn’t ask her anything, or suggest anything to her.

All that I could do was hold her and send her love. 

c86ccc562cdbcf469a75b271181f0851

Being present to a woman,

being truly there for her,

holding space in your heart

and in your life

is often enough

to move a woman to tears.

So that’s what I did.  I turned off my mind and thoughts. I consciously and actively held her and sent her as much love as I could.  Her tears changed from intense and powerful, body raking sobs, to a gentle tenderness. Her breathing slowed down, and her heart beat calmed in the face of my presence and my love.

After maybe 20 minutes she got up, gave me a kiss and said, “thank you” and left.

To this day I still don’t know what it was that caused her those tears at that moment.  She told me later that my response was the best possible response. That she had never felt so held, or so supported. On that day I learned 2 very important things:

  • That her tears were a gift. A woman’s tears are not something to be afraid of, to try and put an end to. They are rather something to feel incredibly grateful for.
  • The best response is often just to be, to listen, and to love. Words are often not helpful. If you do use words, then choose them very carefully.

Tears in Lovemaking

This lesson is especially important in the act of lovemaking. Have you ever had a woman start crying during sex? The first few times that I experienced this it filled me with terror!

What did I do?  Did I hurt her somehow?  All the same fears as above but magnified a hundredfold.

But after practicing Tantric lovemaking I have learned that this is also a gift. It usually means that she is open and vulnerable enough, in that moment, that she trusts you enough to really open to you.  

When she really opens it is scary, and often painful.  

The vast majority of women in our culture have experienced sexual abuse of some type, and this is stored in the body especially in her most soft and vulnerable places: the yoni and especially in her cervix.  

And even women that have not been the victim of such abuse have still experienced: the pain of a callous lover, the constant objectification and subtle violence of men around them, and the collective pain of the feminine in this world.

All of which is also stored in the body, much in that most secret and soft places. So when you go really deep into tantric lovemaking for long periods of time. When she really is beginning to trust you, and is opening her heart and body more and more.

In Tantric lovemaking she is experiencing more and more pleasure. She feels your loving presence and is relaxing more and more into the inter-being of your intertwining energies and souls.

It is in this sacred union where you will cross a threshold through her residual fear and pain. She will break down into tears. This happens quite often for women actually as they are first experiencing tantric lovemaking. And, often with new partners as these women are taking that incredibly beautiful, and scary act, of trusting that we men are so grateful for.

It will happen even for women that have been to this depth again and again. Women who have done years of yoga, tantra and healing work will experience this deep emotional release. 

And men, when it does, BE PRESENT, hold her, offer her unconditional love and gratitude, and remember: her tears are a gift.  They are a recognition of your presence and her act of surrender.

About Amitayus


11114760_10153273434266411_6120570401488835753_n
Amitayus has been teaching Yoga, and working with men and masculinity through this Tantric lens, for over 5 years. His focus is on the spiral path of spiritual evolution, which led him to attain a degree in Religious Studies from ASU. His dharma is to teach and to empower others in their own lives and relationships through Tantra, Yoga, self-inquiry and reflection. He is passionate about restoring the empowered, mature, divine masculine to its true potential in men and society. He has been working actively in this area by leading Vira (men’s) groups and offering workshops in Thailand, the United States and Australia. You can connect with him on facebook until his new website is live shortly.