sexuality 1This is my raw truth

This is most vulnerable thing I could share right now.

I feel I am quite open and transparent in my openness around sexuality, but I have never felt cause to share particular details, as that would feel gratuitous and egoistic. I share this story to celebrate and open the possibility for profound healing for all, men and women around sexual shame, worthiness and capacity to receive pleasure.

In the tantric arts we learn tools for moving energy, releasing blocks, limiting beliefs and wounds in the energetic, emotional and physical body. I have experienced some of these releases in practice and training and over the years and in bringing consciousness to intimacy have experienced further layers of healing. I have also witnessed personally and professionally the massive movement of energy and emotion possible when the emotional body is awakened and feels safe, then the physical body activated through pleasure – this manifests in spontaneous laughter, crying even anger and rage fueled passion…moving of emotions which have been stuck for some time, perhaps many years.

There are deeper levels of this possible (if necessary) working internally and/or using greater pressure and activation which can be painful in release, but I am not keen to have a whole examination of de-armoring technique right now; only to note that there is a profound level of healing possible through pleasure and conscious touch and loving and we all have the possibility of receiving this and opening to the pleasure which is our birthright.

Before the story I share below I had witnessed the range of emotion and expression in others and had personally felt the spontaneous laughter many time. My story was that my relationship to joy and it’s expression was the wound I had carried and now that it was released my sexuality and capacity to feel was at about max…it certainly felt so, as there was no aspect of wishing for more in my being, but then…

Lying in bed with a beloved. We are newer lovers and I am in awe at the ease mixed with passion of our connection. My body tells a story that it we are moving energy at and in new ways while my heart is in that tender place between excitement and fear as it has opened to a place of vulnerability and courage. I am more than invested. I am in love.

Grateful for the capacity to slow down and appreciate each turning of the page, as we are in the time where the body, breath, touch of another is all a wonderland of new discovery. Moment after moment of passing thoughts…is this really happening…the analyst mind turning on to do it’s work…letting it chatter in the background as I tune into the heart, connect with my eyes to see a beloved before me whose presence invites my entire being to soften into subtle, supple receptivity. I feel ease and home in this connection, safe, met, loved.

The space between us shifts, energy increasing again and the beloved gently begins to explore my body with gentle kisses and slow deep caress.

I glance at her and witness the look of love in her eyes and she slowly navigates the terrain of this human form. I allow myself to surrender to her gift…as she moves along the body form, I am aware this is the first time she has explored thus…fear whispers a list of concerns..don’t like the look of this part, is that toenail clipped, hair trimmed or out of place, an unsightly bruise, should I be reciprocal, we’re so new I should be giving ony…and on it goes, but I mercifully allowed the chatter to be as white noise and surrendered my body to her will.

As she explores there is something new… I notice each part of my body, each minute detail in which she come to contact softens so completely that it is as if it is no longer flesh and blood. It is as if I lose and hard exterior and instead become spirit and feeling open to drink in the gift of her love. And with this, emotion. Indistinct at first, just emotion running. Feelings moving and pulsing through my being as a cacophony of laughter and tears yet with and undercurrent of ease.

Cycling and circling my limbs until the beloved neared and connected with my sex…then the emotion began to break. Energy moved through shedding layers to make way for the tears. As I received her love, the tears began to flow. Stuttering at first, then into a weep. Sorrow, pain, regret, yearning, shame, guilt locked inside this body deeper than I could touch was moving through. I could feel the healing. My mind sprung to recognition. My God, this is like session work or witnessing a healing during love making – this triggered the worthiness. Am I worthy to receive this. Is it ok to receive from her. Stories of the role I should hold gave way to a deeper fear:

Fear of what is on the other side. Noticing that these layers were an armor and I have no conscious knowledge of what it would be like to live, love and feel without them. Fear of too much emotion tearing me apart. Fear of too much pleasure that I could not withstand or would lost my capacity to control the energy flow and have ‘accidents’ – ah, it is a remarkable thing the litany of stories and concoctions that this part of our psyche which would keep us small will go to in order to have sway.

Fear gave way to shame…shame for allowing these emotions to move. What would this woman think of a man becoming a sad weepy puddle in such a scenario? Yet, as the waves moved through, the waves of emotion mixed with fear and shame there was something else. Ease. Ease and love. No matter what moved through me, she was steady. Constant. Loving. I realized my body had never felt love before. Or perhaps I had just never opened or been ready to receive love before. Not like this.

It was like falling into an abyss.

A deep well of emotion.

pinned downI was sinking and flying at the same time. And always the ease. The constant steady loving. Total presence which invited my emotional body to continue to open, more and more. I felt lighter as stuck emotions passed. Uplifted as I surrendered to receive. I was shedding layers of story, wounds and limiting beliefs the release of which gave me a pause to consider how great the tension this body had endured and been allowed to endure, so I wept for that as well.

I could feel shame and guilt shedding. Feel softening in the body for the times I had pushed. Feel love enter where I had shame for being in this body, this male body. I could feel my body opening to receive pleasure in new places and on new levels, levels previously dormant or numbed from disuse, overuse or abuse.

My mind spun in awe that there were so many layers of feeling and capacity for pleasure still untapped. Fear questioned if I could withstand so much more pleasure. Tears washed fear and love held steady inviting me to a yes, yes to receiving more than I had ever dreamed or wished for.

It was as if I were learning how my body words and learning the healing and constant nature of love at the same time. Everything was in slow motion. My physical and emotional body memory are still vibrant. My heart bursts to recall the healing and is in humble witness and exhilarated in the possibility that we may shed untold layers through the power of love and loving touch.

I notice how the increased sensitivity of my subtle and emotional bodies has permeated throughout my life and that the increased capacity for pleasure has followed with a significant increase in capacity to move energy and to time and again have the experience of meeting the divine through love making.

I am grateful beyond any measure of words for this body and that it is awakened and reawakened in love.


Eugene Hedlund

Eugene Hedlund

Eugene Hedlund (Karunesh) is the founder of the School of Tribal Tantra. He has taught transformational arts around the globe since 2008. Eugene is also a sought after tantric counselor who has supported many individuals and couples in their quest to live a fully embodied and empowered life where love and expression are limitless. A popular festival presenter, Eugene has begun to focus his energy on training others as a way to support a wider audience to come into their power and begin sharing their gifts with the world.