The following article is shared on behalf of a woman who wished to remain anonymous, yet share her storiy with others.
“This is a vulnerable sharing, but also a victorious one. It’s going to be a bit long so please bear with me.
Three months ago I left a tantric guru after a 6-month “relationship” with him. He calls himself a God-man, but I would call him Tantric Playboy because he reminds me of Hugh Hefner. Powerful, world-famous, surrounded by harems who recruit new girls for him, sleeps with women decades younger, on drugs and without protection, while abusing them—verbally, mentally, emotionally.
We were told to alienate ourselves from friends and family. We were told that surrender means putting our lives on the line. This means no questioning, no debating, no boundaries, no speaking up for ourselves. We had to avoid using the words “not”, “but”, “try”, “believe” in our daily conversations.
We were told that he is lethal. That he is “The Mother’s favorite son”. That The Mother is constantly watching and putting us into test. There will be consequences if we ever dared speaking negatively about him. That people who dare to do so are destroying their own lives, those who criticize him are insane, retarded, idiotic and weak.
We were taught to shut down our minds, because thoughts create emotions. “Tripping” is a bad thing. Excitement is “tripping”. Since it’s not advised to use our minds, we had to use divination tools to make the smallest decisions: what movie to watch, what to cook for dinner, IF we should even eat… everything.
We were told that women are manipulators and takers. That we only want good things for ourselves and won’t share—that we’re so selfish we can’t be happy for each other. The subject of “sharing” here was the teacher’s penis, so I talked women into having sex with him. All of them did. The guilt is something that I have to live with.
He would tell me one thing and deny it shortly after, even when I repeated it word by word. This created so much confusion and I started to wonder if I was going crazy. I learned later that this technique actually has a name: Gaslighting.
Public-shaming was nothing strange. This includes racist talks. Being compared to other women, too. The more I questioned his methods and argued using his own words, the worse it got.
When we got sick, we were told it’s traumas, toxins and lies leaving our bodies. If we caught STDs, well, the infection has always been there, something in us brought it to the surface.
He would get upset at smallest things and will use every word in his vocabulary to express it. I went from “beautiful, intelligent, powerful, brilliant, strong and exquisite” to “insane, retarded, childish, spoiled brat, tricky, playing games, weak and timid” in a few months. My questions were “aggressive”.
Sucking his penis was our token of gratitude, because, in his words, “Most women are indebted to me.”
I was told that I’ve got tendencies for psychotic behaviors and had to be broken down in order to be loving and giving.
Drugs. Day, noon and night.
He tried to force me to do a threesome. I rejected and the shaming continued.
They asked me to help them smuggle drugs.
The victorious part?
I am alive. I am healing. I am progressing every day. I am able to share my experiences. I used to have panic attacks, intense anxiety, suicidal thoughts and physical reactions whenever I talked about my experiences, and they are no longer there. The nightmares have slowly ceased, too.
I did tons of research on Tantra and found out that I don’t need to sleep with my teacher in order to be initiated. I hope every woman who wants to learn about Tantra will know this first thing of all. You. Don’t. Need. To. Have. Sex. With. Anyone. To. Be. Initiated. Bonus point: you don’t even need to take off your clothes.
I am learning about Consent and Boundaries, and I have made it my mission to share the precious knowledge with my sisters.
This painful journey has introduced me to loving, kind, genuine, generous women who hold the safest space for me when I need it the most (I still need it from time to time). It has taught me humility in a whole new level—it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to admit that you need help. It’s okay to reach out to someone knowing that you have absolutely nothing to offer in return. It has taught me about self-respect. What I want and do not want. What I can tolerate and will not tolerate.
It has brought me closer to ME.
If you’re still healing from similar experiences, please know that you are not alone. We can heal together, and it will be beautiful.
Love to you all.”
If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse from a guru or teacher, please seek help and support from a trained trauma therapist. You may find the facebook group Tantra not Trauma as a useful resource or the online course From Trauma to Tantra.